THOUGHTS ON BECOMING A MOTHER

I found this poem on an infertility website and i really liked it. Everyone will be great mothers but this felt so true for those with inferility issues.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

New Doctor

I went for my annual checkup in November 2011. The new doctor was great; she really listened to my concerns and agreed it was more than stress causing irregularities. She ran blood tests, thyroid tests, glucose tests, and I’m sure many more I can’t recall. The end result, I was diagnosed with PCOS. (Poly cystic ovary syndrome) PCOS is basically a hormone imbalance. Hormones usually help regulate egg development in the ovaries. Normally, eggs are released during menstrual cycles but with PCOS, eggs don’t release from the ovaries, they form small cysts on the ovaries. No eggs= no babies.

While it felt great to have an answer for my problems, it brought many emotions. The doctor gave me many options for treatment of PCOS. First, weight loss can be critical and I’m overweight so step one, diet and exercise. The doctor wanted to put me on birth control for a year to get my body regulated. Birth control? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of what we are trying to do? I objected to that. Clomid is a drug typically used to treat PCOS and can help with conceiving but the doctor wanted me to take time to talk to Scott, try to lose some weight and get my body regulated before we jump into fertility drugs.

She prescribed some Progesterone, basically a hormone pill to get my hormone levels increased. It also induces menstrual cycles. So I began the progesterone, let’s just say it works like it should. It induced a cycle and some severe irritability. My husband and sister said I turn into a witch for about a week while the medication is working. I do apologize, I know I got very cranky but it’s a side effect we are going to have to cope with.

I completed an ovulation test for 10 days in November after the progesterone worked but I never got a positive test. :(

We are now on month two of Progesterone and will be starting the ovulation tests again soon. I also have a follow up with the doctor in January. I’ve really been slacking on my diet and exercise, but the holidays brought so much food and stress it was hard! I’m trying to get back on track now.

About Me

In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m Chrystal. I’m 25 years old. I’ve been with my husband, Scott for almost 4 years now, married almost 2 years now. I always imagined myself being single and kid-less, being some glamorous corporate executive. Then I met Scott, and he changed all my dreams and ambitions. We knew early on we were going to be together forever and we wanted children. He comes from a big family and wants a family of his own. I have a small family, I only have one sister. But, she is the best sister I could have ever asked for and I couldn’t imagine being an only child. So my dreams of single-hood and no children are long gone, never to return. Now I want to be a wife and mother. I married my prince charming, we bought our house together, we both went to college, and we even got a dog. We had our lives all figured out and together. Now all we wanted and needed was children.

I think we have both been ready to have children for a long time. We decided in May 2011 that I would stop my birth control and just begin trying and see what happened. May, June, July came and went, no menstrual cycles, pregnancy tests kept coming up negative.   I’ve never had regular cycles, unless on birth control so I didn’t get too worried but I went to the doctor anyway. She brushed it off as stress and stopping the birth control affecting my body. I got a cycle in August but not September or October. Again, pregnancy tests came back negative. I scheduled an appointment with a new doctor in November for an annual checkup and to check on these irregularities. I knew something was wrong with my body, never having regular cycles wasn’t normal.

New to blogging.........

I've found myself struggling through some life challenges lately. I'm usually a private person and I don't have a large support group of friends and family to lean on. Supposedly blogging and writing about your troubles will help so here goes nothing. I don't expect many people to follow or read this, I'm not seeking followers. I just need a place to rant and vent, I think my poor husband is getting tired of listening to me. So here I am, blogging for the first time. Read if you want, Comment if you want, just please be polite and don't pass judgement unless you have been in my shoes.